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Archive for May, 2015

Monday Muse 18th May

Posted by jackiepope on May 18, 2015

Monday Muse on New Moon

Good morning Time Lords, Time Keepers, Time Wasters and Time Fanatics…

‘’I’ll make some time for you’’ the woman said. ‘’I have so many appointments and things to do, but I will make some time’’. I told her not to worry, that nobody could make time; only use it. Yes, I was a bit cutting and sarcastic. But I have been trying to get an appointment for months. I have now decided that if she cannot organize her time then she might not be so crash hot at what she does for a business, and do I want that kind of service and attention. I think not. I found someone else, who immediately said she had an appointment in two weeks, but if a cancellation came up I was top of this list. Perfect. I don’t mind waiting – at least I have an appointment.

It is quite a phrase isn’t it? ‘I will make time for you’. It feels condescending, as if well the diary is full, I don’t necessarily want to see you, but I will make time for you, and you will be grateful for that and jump for joy. Well, no. I am not going to jump for joy. I don’t want to be squeezed in for a few minutes between other appointments. I want my own chunk of time, that I can do the business I have to do with you, without rushing.

I am guilty of this – I know when some of you call and you need an urgent appointment I say I will make time for you, and yes, I do wriggle things around and fit you in. But I will warn you that I have only 30 minutes or 40 minutes and you have the choice to take that time or to book later on. However, I am going to try not to use that phrase…. I didn’t like it being used on me. So in future I will not ‘make time for you’; or ‘fit you in’ I will see what time I have to use.

Because that is it isn’t it? We have a certain amount of time to use. We cannot make more time, we cannot squeeze an extra minute into an hour. They (the brilliant minds of the world) say that time is actually shorter. An hour today is not as long as an hour say in the 1500s. I would agree. An hour in the sun under an apple tree in 1500 would have been worth a day in our time. We sit under an apple tree for an hour – but it took an hour to drive to the tree, and an hour to drive home from the tree. Sending 10 texts to tell everyone we are going to sit under the apple tree; answering 15 facebook posts before we sit down under the tree. In the end we look at the tree in the distance and instead go to the supermarket and buy and apple, go home and eat the apple while multitasking the housework and posting on facebook that we are not going to the tree after all. Then answering all the texts as to why you are not going to sit under the tree.

Time is a currency. Dr Phil says that, Oprah says that, we know it. We know there isn’t any more time to be had than what is on our watch face, or mobile phone. I have to wonder if we are truly aware of how our time is spent? And yes this has been talked about before in a myriad of places. But it is my Muse, and I have a yen to bring it up again.

I went away for the weekend. Time was almost endless. I spent a delightful 6 hours driving with my daughter talking about everything from tiny houses to product (something which I will talk about during the week). I met new people, and a gorgeous dog; not so sure about the chickens. The cats were adorable. I went and followed my plan and did not go off on distractions, a few hours felt like days. It was wonderful. I learned that country women have just as much drama as we do but in a different way in that cows will break the fence, and deer will not behave, and they don’t care what time of day it is. In fact I think us city gals have it easier. We can switch off at 5pm and go have a glass of wine, but for our country counterparts if the cows get out, there is no sitting down for a glass of wine.

So back to making time. Do you find yourself saying that you will make more time for the children, or for your spirituality, or for your business. Noooooooooooo – you cannot make more time but you can use the time you have in a better way. You know this, I know this; I think I am more writing this to convince myself it is time for me to use my time in a better way. A sort of self-talk.

I have a couple of BIG things on the boil, and it is new moon today. So an appropriate day to make a plan – a proper plan, as I used to do in the Corporate World. Set it all out, and do not deviate from the plan…. Well maybe for coffee? Noooooooo. These two projects are things that I want to do. The time has come. So New Moon, a day for coffee (notice the trend) and writing up what I am going to do, what needs to be done, and when. Allocate time, but still keep time for sitting under the apple tree with coffee.

I have now officially motivated and talked myself into my task for the day. And by Full Moon (14 days) I will be using time efficiently, and not trying to ‘make time’ for people. However, I do warn you all that socializing will be on the back burner for a couple of months – I am so excited about my projects that I want to focus. Of course if you feel I need to be dragged out of my cave to be reminded what conversation and people are – feel free, but do not be offended if I answer the door covered in glitter, oak leaves, wax and strands of beads and tell you that this is not a good time. In this event throw coffee and cake at me and run

Mothers day Muse 2015

Posted by jackiepope on May 12, 2015

20150511_085812 20150511_085804 Monday Muse the day after Mother’s Day…

I thought you would like to see where all the magic happens – my office. And the Tardis picture is my Mother’s Day present….

To Mothers and Daughters…. And anyone else inclined to read this…

Before I commence this Muse please understand I am not the best at being a Mother, and I am not the best at being a daughter either….

Mother’s Day… I have a love hate relationship with Mothers Day. I walked into Urania on Sunday morning armed with a box of Macaroons from the Le Vois Bakery (which was queued out the door) for my fabulous daughter; and I said…. ‘give me a double shot (which means 4 shots), I hate Mother’s Day! A lovely lady, her husband and two cute as a button under 4’s looked shocked, Aaron said ‘don’t hold back love’. But I do have my reasons.

I am in the unenviable position of having a daughter who totally understands me, and a mother who totally does not! I love Mother’s Day with my daughter and I fear Mother’s Day with my Mother. In fact I wish we did not have Mother’s Day – but then I don’t do Christmas, the only celebration I think is kosher is Birthdays. Yes, we can celebrate birthdays, but other days honouring Mothers, Fathers, Easter etc really is beyond me. And the point is without children we are not Mothers, so it is a wash. We love them all the time, they love us sometimes. Do we really need a day where we have to go visit? Where I start stressing the day before, wondering what my Mother will say, and hopefully I will hold back the tears until I get out of there.

I loved Mother’s Day this year I must admit; Elaine was fabulous as always, and she came with me to see my Mother; Elaine is wonderful at ‘changing the subject’ when she sees danger looming. So you see Mothers Day is a mixed bag for me. As much as I love my Mother, if she were anyone but my mother there would be some serious conversations to be had. And no… You cannot have those conversations with your 83 year old Mother, because well, she is 83 and this is who she has always been and that is not going to change anytime soon. Better to visit, smile and then get on to the best bit of Mother’s Day – Elaine

I have often been asked how come I have such a good relationship with Elaine. My answer is that I have always been her Mother first; now I can be her friend, but even so… there are times when a girl needs her Mother, and you have to be Mum first. You also have to hold your tongue; there are times when our children can be cruel and vicious – it is the way of things, they are testing their boundaries, learning about the world. Tell them they have hurt you by all means, but don’t hold onto it. Just because they did not visit, or said something nasty that does not mean you don’t speak to them, or you punish them emotionally. That builds walls. If your Mum does not speak to you then how are you meant to view the world? I would tell Elaine if she hurt my feelings, and why. Then let it go; I wanted the door to be open, that my child knew that no matter what she had done to me, or why that when she was in need – I was there. No recriminations, no reminders of past sins, no ‘I told you so’ and no ‘see what happens when you don’t listen to me’. All your daughter needs sometimes is a box of tissues and a hug. Leave that door open.

That door has to be open at all times. 2am in the morning, with a call from the other side of Auckland – ‘can you come and get me?’ – yes I can, and I smiled all the way, because she knew she could call me, she trusted I would come immediately.
Be consistent, don’t change the rules, don’t shift the goal post. I could never succeed because every time I got to a touch down, the goal post was shifted, and I grew up never being good enough. I vowed that my daughter would grow up knowing that she was more than good enough, that she was amazing, fabulous and could have the world if she wanted it, and she could do whatever she wanted. Electronics Class at High School was a testing time when she was the only girl, but it was what she wanted so passionately – and she did it. She passed, she became the very thing she wanted to be. That was because she was bought up knowing that things could be achieved.

Even the smallest goal of brushing teeth, going to bed. They are achievements, and should be celebrated as such. Give children responsibilities appropriate to their age, and don’t burden them with emotional responsibilities beyond their age and ken. Keep money worries away from them, at the same time teaching them about the value of money, the patience to save up for something. Do not discuss your latest boy/girl friend in front of the children, or your emotional woes and worries. Children need to think that you are a super hero (and I know one Dad who is truly a super hero to his kids), that no matter what happens you are there in the telephone box with your cloak on (or in my case scarf and bow tie) and you can sort everything out. If they see you less than strong, they worry and stress. When they are older, they know you are more vulnerable and that you need help, and they know how to be strong for you – because you have been strong for them.

Let them live their own lives. So what if they don’t come and see you every weekend with the grandchildren – they have busy lives; and so should you! You should have a life after children. I adore my daughter and the new family she has bought into my life; it is rather fun being a Grandma – but it is not my whole life. Yes I will knit beanies, babysit (only overnight and as long as there is chocolate), colour in, and make big messes; but there are boundaries. I have a full life of which grandchildren are a part of; they will not and do not dominate my life. My daughter and I also have a healthy respect for each other’s time and space.

I don’t need to hear from her every day, but it was wonderful when she did call every day that I was sick; it was because she wanted to, not because she had to. And that is the art of being a Mother; when your children are around you because they want to be, not because they have to be. Then you are a success.
Motherhood is a balance. I have a great relationship with my daughter; she has my permission to shoot me if I become a grumpy granny or say dreadful things (which I do already); she knows the little things that scare the bejesus out of me i.e. becoming a bag lady under a bridge; or having a house that smells like old people – in fact my younger female friends are all on alert to tell me when I am slipping into old lady mode.

Elaine won a competition this week, it was about advice from your Mother; and she wrote something to the effect I had taught her to never compromise in love, to have adventures because memories were the most valuable things you will ever own. This is true.

I have friends who have issues with their Mothers, and I ask those Mothers to please put the goal post in one place and don’t move it; don’t expect so much from these wonderful girls; and give them more than they expect. Let them live their lives how they choose – have confidence they will live the life you gave them to the fullest – because you prepared them for it, you shaped them, you gave them all that they are. It’s what we do. We are their Mothers.